Modnar shit and other crap

Lyrics Time!


I like 'em sweet, I like 'em with a heart of gold.
Yeah an' I like 'em brassy, I like 'em brazen and bold.
Well, they say that opposites attract, well, I don't agree
I want a woman just as tacky as me.
Yeah, I like my women just a little on the trashy side.

Yeah, an' I like my women just a little on the trashy side,
When they wear their clothes too tight and their hair is dyed.
Too much lipstick an' er too much rouge,
Gets me excited, leaves me feeling confused.
An' I like my women just a little on the trashy side.

Trashy Side, Confederate Railroad.


Scars heal, glory fades
And all we're left with are the memories made, oh yeah
Pain hurts, but only for a minute
Yeah life is short so go on and live it
Cause the chicks dig it

Chicks Dig It, Chris Cagle.


It's a great day to be alive
I know the sun's still shining when I close my eyes
There's some hard times in the neigborhood
But why can't every day be just this good?

It's a Great Day to be Alive, Travis Tritt.


I went sky diving I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named blumanchu
and I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
and I gave forgiveness I'd been denying
and he said someday I hope you get the chance
to live like you were dying.

Live Like You Were Dying, Tim McGraw


Hello Samantha dear, I hope you're feelin' fine
And it won't be long until I'm with you all the time
But until then I'll spend my money up right down to my last dime
Callin' baton rouge

Callin' Batton Rouge, Garth Brooks

So incredilbly fuckin bored.


PAST

-first grade teacher's name: Mrs Heimer, I think.
-last word you said: Bye.
-last song you sang: Supersize Me, Toothpick
-last thing you laughed at: Futurama. “I don’t like lilies! Your first wife liked lilies!!” “My first wife also liked to shut up!”
-last time you cried: Last night..PRESENT.
-what's in your cd player: XF season 2 disc 5 is on my comp. My CD player in the living room has XF: The Album.
-what color socks are you wearing: black w/brown and white spots.
-what's under your bed: dresser…food…laundry…probably a whole bunch of pics that fell from my wall.
-what time did you wake up today: 14h. Was drinkin and playin Texas hold em w/some buds til 7.

FUTURE.

-what is your career going to be: um…making money.
-where are you going to live: Probably Roch.
-how many kids do you want: 3.
-what kind of car will you drive: An energy efficient one.

.CURRENT.

-hair: yes, I currently have hair. It’s brown and goes to just above my tat.
-clothes: socks. pj pants. tank. mustangs jersey.
-jewelry: necklace and 3 rings.
-annoyance: me.
-smell: I have a peach candle burning. Note to self: candle wax + keyboard = bad.
-longing: happiness.
-desktop picture: Mmmm Billy Boyd.
-favorite music artist: Dave Matthews. But that’s always.
-book: Hocus Pocus, Kurt Vonnegut. THHG, Douglas Adams. The Silmarilion, J.R.R. Tolkein. America the Book, The Daily Show. Where the Sidewalk Ends, Shel Silverstein. Text books.
-worry: My mom. She’s got a bad cold and she starts her new job on the 31st. She has to commute to the cities.
-hate: not knowing everything.
-story behind your username: ninny13…my nick name and my fave num.
-favorite article of clothing: Concordia sweatshirt.
-favorite physical feature on a boy: their face.
-one person you wish was here right now: it’s always. but it’s impossible.
-line from the last thing you wrote to someone: “k”. Chan was telling me how Shams might not go bowling w/him and his friends.
-i am happiest when: I’m happy.
-i feel lonely when: loneliness is a choice.
-favorite authors: Vonnegut, Adams, Tolkein. Noon. Grisham. Damn hardback. Why must it come out first and cost so much more?!
-do you think too much: um…I don’t know. Do I? I mean, I could, but then again, I’m not sure. It might depend on some things or it might not. But I can’t figure it out yet.
-if you could live anywhere in the world, where: here. I can’t live without my family.
-famous person you have met: How famous is famous? I’ve met a few celebs at the Shjon Podein Children’s Foundation, like Brad Paisley and Matt Damon.
-do you have any regrets: I regret nothing.
-sex or love: both. any.
-favorite coffee: French vanilla cap.
-favorite smell: depends on what memory it brings.
-what makes you mad: worrying.
-favorite way to waste time: XF, movies. surfing the net: ebaums, collegehumor, etc. painting nails.
-what is your best quality: uh
-are in currently in love/lust: no.
-what's the craziest thing you have ever done: I don’t do crazy things.
-any bad habits: many.
-do you find it hard to trust people: I’m far too cynical to trust people.
-last thing you bought yourself: Books: Hocos Pocus, Vonnegut and Vurt, Jeff Noon.
-bath or shower: shower. I miss my hot tub, tho.
-favorite season: winter. unless where I am at has no snow. Then it’s summer.
-favorite color: black.
-favorite time of day: when it is dark out.
-gold or silver: silver
-any secret crushes: maybe.

.FASHION.

-how many coats and jackets do you own: probably a lot, but I only use 4. winter, fall/spring, rain, and my mom just bought me a new coat bc my winter coat has lots of holes in it. it’s at home right now, so I can’t very well use it. The other coats I have will be taken to good will or salvation at some point.
-favorite pants color: Black. And I hate jeans.
-most expensive item of clothing: probably my conc. sweatshirt. or my roughriders or UNH jersey.
-most treasured: Conc sweatshirt and jerseys.

.YOUR FRIENDS.

-do your friends know you: Some, probably.
-can you count on them: I hope so.
-can they count on you: Yes.

LAST.

-book you read: America the Book. Yes, I’m rereading it.
-movie you saw: I’m in the middle of Finding Neverland. The last full movie I was was…um… Harold and Kumar. Chanman gets movies from blockbuster. Wait, no. It was Fight Club. But I wasn’t really paying any attention.
-movie you saw on the big screen: Meet the Fockers, I think.
-show you watched on tv: Futurama.
-song you heard: Float on, Modest Mouse is on currently. Run, Snow Patrol was on before that.
-thing you had to drink: Currently drinking Squirt. I think I had Pibb before that.
-thing you ate: mac and cheese w/shrimp.
-time you showered: round 16h today.
-time you smiled: when I was watching Futurama.
-time you laughed: See above.
-person you hugged: um…my dad, I think.
-person you kissed: wow…that would have been a long time ago. last yearish, I think. I can’t even remember. Maybe Jeff. I think. In October sometime.
-person you talked to online: Chan.
-person you talked to on the phone: My mom and dad.

.DO YOU.

-smoke: no
-do drugs: no
-drink: occasionally.
-sleep with stuffed animals: with my bug, always.
-have a dream that keeps coming back: parts do, yes.
-play an instrument: piano, French horn, trumpet.
-believe there is life on other planets: If there’s not, it’s a big waste of space.
-read the newspaper: I read the MN Daily and The Onion. Otherwise I get it from the net.
-have any gay or lesbian friends: Yes.
-believe in miracles: no.
-consider yourself tolerant: I hope so.
-consider police a friend or foe: Depends.
-like the taste of alchohol: Yes.
-have a favorite stooge: Nope.
-believe in astrology: No.
-pray: Never.
-go to church: Not if I can help it.
-have any secrets: Doesn’t everyone?
-have any pets: My pup Abby.
-go or plan to attened college: Am. Go rodents. er gophers. woo.
-talk to strangers: Yes.
-have any piercings: ears
-have any tattoos: 2. soon to be at least 4.
-hate yourself: Not at the moment.
-wish on stars: When I can see them. Living in a city sucks in that respects.
-like your handwriting: it’s the only one I got.
-believe in witches: In the fact that people practice witchcraft and believe in it and such, yes.
-believe in ghosts: No.
-believe in santa: No.
-believe in the easter bunny: No. I like bunny tho.
-believe in the tooth fairy: No.
-sing in the shower: Sometimes.


And I'm still bored.

Poetry Corner!


Poor Mack

Poor Mack, she died at sea
body ravaged by the waves
crashing mightily
water full of unspent rage
wind blowing all around
chilling her through to her bones
wailing violently
like a whore the wind did moan

Poor Ron, he died at home
smoky ash filling air
choking easily
growing layer upon layer
flames licking skin
tearing flesh without concern
feasting savagely
black and crispy well-done burns

Poor Sil, she died outside
pavement hard and strong and bold
crushing fearlessly
unforgiving and ice cold
gravity sucks
wanting all for its own
pulling greedily
bringing all to its home

Poor Del, he died alone
bloody knife in his grip
slicing carefully
down the drain life slowly dripped
heart slowly stops
silent screams are what he hears
piercing constantly
darkened sight turns back to clear

Poor Sam, she died of age
lungs sadly giving in
wheezing audibly
oxygen wearing thin
time wore on
sending her to her doom
ticking gravely
thirteen months is way too soon.

Poor Jack, he died of love
he just couldn’t take the pressure
filling gradually
like a device used for torture
emotions run too far
striking deep within the core
drowning carelessly
too thirsty to beg for more

I feel positively evil but fully guilty. Thus:

Nikki
nikki_vinz@hotmail.com
Female
21 Sept. 1984.
Nicolas Cage
Nicolas Cage
No
--
--
Yes
Yes
Less than
Yes
Dark
Personality

So yeah.

I must learn to forgive. I still haven’t been able to do that no matter how hard I try. Of course that just means I am not trying hard enough.
Try. Try. Try.
Forgive, forgive, forgive.
So simple to say, but to do…. It’s a foreign concept to me. I hold grudges. They crawl under my skin. Most of the time they go unnoticed. But when they spring up the rash is just too irritating. The festering wound tears my skin apart. I cannot help but furiously scratch away at it. Which then, of course, leads to opening up more wounds.
Try. Try.
Forgive, even though forgiveness may not be coming back to me. Forgive, even though I may not deserve your forgiveness.
Talking behind someone’s back is always inevitable. Everybody does it. I do not care that people do that. But to say cruel things and then still pretend to be a friend is something I have a very hard time dealing with. So I am a nightmare, and I am violent, and my parents buy my love, and it’s amazing how someone can put up with living with me. I get that you don’t think too highly of me. Why, then, is it that you had to continue being my friend? I gossip, yes. Is that why? You just wanted to hear the dirt on other people? And why must people totally ignore me at some times but not when you want a place to hang? It did not bother me that people wanted to use my couch. It bothered me more that one person would come over and then ask me to invite other people. If you wanted that in the first place, that’s all you had to say.
Everyone is a hypocrite, me included. I know that. I do. But if it means being cruel to someone, that’s where I have problems. For example, why make fun of a boyfriend and a girlfriend who happen to like spending time with one other? Why make fun of them, when you do that too? At least they don’t hang onto one another all the time. They don’t do pda everywhere. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t care if you hang w/your sig other or do pda. I care when you make fun of other couples, even though they don’t do that stuff but you do. And why think of me badly when you know the things I’ve done with people and when you know the things I do for fun? Why are you to judge? Did those things change who I was?
Ah, but why must I say these things? The past is the past. I couldn’t forgive then. That was partly the reason why I continued to stay closed off and bitter. Which, of course, fueled other people to continue hating me. I know I was closed off even in the very beginning. But that’s just who I am.
Try.
Forgive all the wrongdoings of others.
I am a bitch. I never said I wasn’t. I’m not the most delightful of all people. And I wouldn’t want to change. I like who I am.
Forgive. Forgive myself, for not wanting to change into something better.
If I can’t forgive the past, how am I ever to move onto the future? I want to put it behind me. I don’t want to forget, though. I never understood that: forgive and forget. Why forget? To me, memory is the only thing that makes a person who they are. We are a product of our past. Why forget about things that make us who we are?
Forgive. Stop being so stubborn.
Ah, yes. I’m stubborn. I was born in 84, the year of the rat. Of course I’d be stubborn. I’m very bullheaded when it comes to things. And there’s no reason for me to be stubborn on this, forgiveness. Too stubborn to let things go. I know it was high school. People should not be judged on their high school years. Life always changes a person. Experience changes a person. So why can’t I forgive? I can. I know I can. And I do. I forgive myself for not being able to forgive way back when. I forgive all who made my life just a stitch harder. At least I’m trying to.
Try. Try. Try.
Well I am. I am trying. Hard as I possibly can because that’s what makes people different from other animals. We have the power to forgive. To forgive those who have wronged us. To forgive those who will wrong us. To forgive those who are wronging us. We can cleanse our souls as well as other souls. We are here only for each other.
Forgive. Ok, I got the memo.
I’m eating mac and cheese with shrimp. I’m drinking Pibb Xtra. I’m watching myself type these words on my screen and wondering if it’s all actually true. Am I just kidding myself? Can I really change my outlook on life in one very long statement? Can I make who I am different by confronting myself? By truly delving deep within me to see the true ugliness of my own heart? Am I able to vaccinate myself against, well, myself? I think I can. At least, I hope I can. I want to believe I can. Can I? What does it take for me to change myself? I know I’ve caused a lot of hurt onto others. I’ve burned about as many bridges as I’ve built. I drown in the water of my own making. Can I forgive myself for doing horrible things to other people? Must I necessarily forgive myself before I can let others forgive me?
Try. Check.
I honestly hope these words are not as shallow as I think my heart is.
I say this because I genuinely miss some of my friends. I was lucky to be able to hang out with such an open and cool crowd. I hate bad endings. Endings should always be good. In books, movies, and even in relationships. If anything else, people generally only remember the endings. Well I don’t. I don’t know why I just closed off and ended some relationships. I just stopped communicating, and that’s a shame. I do still want to be friends. I want to make the effort. But I can’t take that first step. I cut my leg shaving today. Small nicks like that can ooze out much blood. It mixed with the water running down and a river red flowed down my leg and ankle onto the floor and down the drain. Water spreads the red, making it seem much worse than it really is. I didn’t even feel the cut but I saw the blood. I couldn’t help but stare. It was almost mesmerizing. It was as if I was trying to will the cells to stop running down my leg. Then I realized that was my problem. I stare at it like I can will it to fix itself, but it can’t—which is what I do to most of my problems. There’s no effort involved. I cannot do that anymore. It’s no way to live. So I’m taking the leap. I’m extending my hand. I’d rather start all over fresh than lose some of the best things I had. How appropriate. “Why Can’t We Be Friends” just came on my windows media player. Huh.
Forgive, my friend. It will save us all.
And I do. I forgive. And I’m sorry I didn’t do that when I should have.